There is just something missing-
Like a three-leaf clover,
Like a saucer and tea,
Like a pink box of chocolates,
Without a recipient,
Like a ring-less finger,
Like a scentless bouquet,
Like a beautiful chapel,
Without a loving vow,
Like a proposal left unsaid,
Like a pendant-less necklace,
Like a pair of cold lips,
Without a warming touch,
Like my eyes in the day,
Like my heart in the evening,
Like my arms at night,
Without you.
Murder
10 years ago
Me like.
ReplyDeleteDon't read the, cos I'm on a critical rampage here.I know it's long, but I'm really not good at giving compliments, but I AM good at criticizing. >.< Life is like that.
'Like a saucer and tea' - Do you mean tea cup? If you just mean the beverage, it seems better to say 'tea and a saucer' cos 'a' seems to apply to both the saucer and liquid if you leave it like that.
‘Like a proposal unsaid’ – rhythm’s off. Try ‘Like a proposal left unsaid’.
'Pendant-less' necklace is a bit odd. Probably because I love jewellery and ‘Pendant-less’ just doesn't make sense. It ought to be ‘Like a chain without a necklace’ but that doesn't fit. Try something else? You already mentioned jewellery earlier ‘Like a ring-less finger’ so try using another metaphor that doesn't involve jewellery.
‘Like a cold pair of lips’ - I am being a stickler here. It ought to read ‘Like a pair of cold lips’.
But yes. I like this poem very much. Short, bitter sweet, wonderfully simple and it makes use of really good imagery.